


vfgbbekzh (Monitoring The Teens)

by ExtraPenguin



Category: Vorkosigan Saga - Lois McMaster Bujold
Genre: Crack, Gen
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-11-12
Updated: 2015-12-19
Packaged: 2018-05-01 07:03:25
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,941
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5196677
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ExtraPenguin/pseuds/ExtraPenguin
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A selection of things that users post onto the Barrayaran microblogging site Stumbl.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

… _Teens, especially, are spending more and more time on the network, leading to concerns about their activities and views. Lieutenant Aleksandr Felkin, Imperial Security, has been assigned to monitor the network for treasonous writings. I hope that this will alleviate your concerns …_

 

The Barrayaran comconsole network, Sasha discovered, had two congregations of teens: the boys went to Postit, a cesspit of a discussion site, and posted their writings (mostly on Lord Vortalon beating up Cetagandans in bad grammatical constructs and being rewarded with fawning women) to Writefiction. The girls went to Stumbl, a very confusing blogging site, and posted their writings (mostly on Lord Vortalon engaging in sexual intercourse with everyone except his girlfriend, including his Cetagandan enemies and his stunner) to The Archive. Postit had grown popular enough with adults that someone else came to take it away from him, so he was left with Stumbl and the fiction sites.

Sasha read half of the terms of service forbidding multiple accounts before deciding that the rules didn't apply to ImpSec, and created two accounts: ImpSecOfficial, for ImpSec's official bulletins, and vfgbbekzh, for engaging with the community. He searched for “Lord Vortalon” and followed some blogs. Others could follow.

 

_vfgbbekzh's Stumbl feed, three months later, chronological sorting_

 

 **what-i-wrote** :

Okay guys, recovered the data disk. *sighs in relief* Will do final cleanup on the stuff and post them all today!

 

 **shirtlessghemlordoftheday** :

_[hi-res photograph of a shirtless twenty-something ghem-lord in a sexualized pose, from her seemingly unlimited supply]_

23, Rho Ceta, first published in the _Gazette of Male_ _Aesthetics_

 

 **what-i-wrote** :

real people | underage | noncon

LINK → **To Train an Emperor / The Archive**

_Lord Regent Vorkosigan will use every tool in his box to make sure that teenage Emperor Gregor will come out right. Sometimes, it extends to odd Greekie practices._

 

 **deadchickens** :

Why Ur Fave Is Problematic: Cetaganda

I mean come on they are ~socially obligated~ to wear make-up everywhere like how can u honestly support their culture??

 

 **radiationpoisoning** :

@deadchickens ur post is offensive and u should take it down immediately

 

 **deadchickens** :

@radiationpoisoning wow I'm a humor blog u srsly think anyone would take anything I say seriously? like, no

 

 **radiationpoisoning** :

@deadchickens get blocked u ceta apologist

 

 **deadchickens** :

@radiationpoisoning ur blocked lol no humor that's sad

 

 **the-emperor-has-a-nice-ass** :

lkjladfh a new photo of Greggie's behindsdf!!!!!!

 

 **vorboring-people** :

I wrote another Ferya piece for the Lord Vortalon fandom!

LINK → **No Surrender, No Retreat / The Archive**

_Lord Vortalon is kidnapped by Cetagandan forces. His longtime foe, ghem-Lieutenant Fer Kaiok, has grown attached to him, and is unwilling to let poor Vanya be subject to his superiors' interrogation. Will they be able to cleanly escape before they inevitably engage in sex?_

 

 **vorthalia-the-italic** :

IMPSEC COMMENTED ON MY WRITING!!!!!

(Also, lol at ImpSec offering sex advice. Just because I write Lord Vortalon using his stunner as a dildo (it's practically canon!) doesn't mean that I'd use a stunner as a dildo myself...)

 

 **the-emperor-has-a-nice-ass** :

_[photograph of Emperor Gregor's imperial behind]_

sorry, forgot to include the pic in my prev post

 

 **what-i-wrote** :

I want to break into the Imperial Residence and wrap the Crown Prince in a blanket WHY ARE NONE OF MY SIBLINGS THAT ADORABLE

 

 **what-i-wrote** :

real people | underage | tentacles | consensual tentacles

LINK → **Diplomacy / The Archive**

_A teenage Emperor Gregor faces an intriguing Cetagandan assassin. Compassion offers him a unique opportunity._

 

 **vorboring-people** :

Okay, so radiationpoisoning and ultimatexavfan criticized me again for shipping Vortalon with Kaiok. Now, Vanya has chemistry with pretty much everyone except his alleged girlfriends (are there many of them or did they just get a different actress every time for other reasons?), including the now infamous stunner with which he kissed, but our recurring Cetagandan is the top of the pack. There's a long textual analysis behind the cut, but the short version is that 1. Vanya seems to have A Thing for stripping Fer down to his underwear every time he's captured (and having no sense of personal space) and 2. EVERYTHING Fer says to Vanya is a sexual innuendo – the first thing Fer says to Vanya ever, “I'd rather be admiring your tea collection”, is a Cetagandan euphemism for “I'd rather be having sex with you”.

[Read More]

 

 **deadchickens** :

_[picture of a shirtless twenty-something ghem-Lord with long dark hair]_

@shirtlessghemlordoftheday @impsecofficial you think this is Dag Benin?

(wow is this guy hot)

 

 **vorthalia-the-italic** :

@vorboring-people Wow, didn't know about the whole Cetagandan euphemisms thing. Honestly, well, looking at their interactions, it's p obviously sexual/romantic. All of the almost-kisses! The snarky “I could take them off myself” and all the other references to removing clothes! The whole “My face-paint is part of my uniform. Remove it, and I am naked.” immediately followed by Vortalon removing Kaiok's face-paint in the most sensuous fashion imaginable (excluding those that involve a tongue)!

 

 **what-i-wrote** :

I ventured into the Vortalon fandom!

real people | tentacles | noncon

LINK → **Savior / The Archive**

_The Cetagandans have sent an elite assassin to eliminate the Crown Prince Yuri. Lord Vortalon is honor-bound to stop the attempt. Unfortunately, he may be caught in the same web as Yuri..._

 

 **vorboring-people** :

@what-i-wrote I always thought this fandom needed more tentacles! Thank you!

 

 **vorboring-people** :

@vorthalia-the-italic how's the handcuffs and breathplay Ferya piece going?

 

 **vorthalia-the-italic** :

@vorboring-people It's done!

5k words, contains sex (restraints, choking, penetration), Fer Kaiok/Vanya Vortalon

LINK → **Kiss Me 'Til I Reach the Sky / The Archive**

_Vanya runs into Fer when both are in plainclothes. Opportunities are meant to be taken. Excuse plot._

 

 **impsex-official** :

(used to be: ferya-vortaiok)

@impsecofficial How does it feel

 

 **vorboring-people** :

@vorthalia-the-italic MY PANTIES, THEY ARE SOAKED AAAAAAA

(Also, thank you for not engaging in the trope of “Cetagandans are all endless repositories of sexual wisdom and homosexual acceptance”, it's put me off too many Ferya fics.)

(I should probably post a huge essay on everything I've figured out on Cetagandan homosexuality, but it'd be Long and the people who'd most need it wouldn't read it anyway. Tldr: Fer, if he'd been able to “kneel” to a superior, would have more experience in homosexual matters, but have some very weird hang-ups.)

 

 **ferya-vortaiok** :

(used to be: impsex-official)

I wuv my ferya more than I like being impsex-official. Someone else mb?

 

 **what-i-wrote** :

real people

LINK → **Ezar's Familiar, Vorkosigan's Dog, Gregor's** **Darling** **/ The Archive**

_The Emperor Gregor is happy when General Allegre is made Chief of ImpSec. There are some things that one simply can't ask of someone one has known since one is four..._

 

 **ferya-vortaiok** :

_[gif of Vanya Vortalon gently touching Fer Kaiok's bare face, and Fer leaning into the touch]_

Can't believe this scene hadn't been giffed yet! Ferya <3

 

 **deadchickens** :

@firstbornprole I live in Vorrutyer District and Count Dono has been the best thing ever so shut ur fkin mouth u asshole

 

 **ferya-vortaiok** :

The fact that Vanya & Fer can't run off and be happily married in canon makes me sad :'(

 

 **vorboring-people** :

@ferya-vortaiok I want to write a letter to the Lord Vortalon team that contains essentially everything that I wrote in my whopper post yesterday and ask for a grand finale involving Fer resigning his commission after the invasion's end and running off to Beta colony with Vanya, but that'd just cause for them to fire everyone involved in the subtext and re-casting Fer, and Alex Hadryl is a nice guy who deserves work. Hell, he's the only decent actor the execs have ever hired.

I contend myself with meta essays and fanworks.

 

 **what-i-wrote** :

So, one of my followers asked for something nonpornographic, so I wrote this short:

real people | parent-safe

LINK → **The Catagandans / The Archive**

_Lord Auditor Vorkosigan is sent to Eta Ceta on a diplomatic mission. However, one of his cats has come with – and the cat is pregnant! How many Cetagandans can he hoist his cats to?_

And the pornographic epilogue:

real people

LINK → **Desk Job / The Archive**

_All his kittens adopted, Lord Auditor Vorkosigan is asked to explain himself to ghem-General Dag Benin. Luckily, Miles is a quick talker, and swaps the track of the meeting from dry explanation to more enjoyable and wet actions. Lady Vorkosigan is happy to watch._

 

 **shirtlessghemlordoftheday** :

_[picture of a shirtless, red-headed ghem-Lord moaning in pleasure whilst looking alluring]_

25, Eta Ceta, first published in _Design Principles of Male Offspring_

 

* * *

 

“So, Sasha, you've spent a long time on the teen girls' sites?” Lieutenant John Caldo asked.

Sasha nodded. The bar was too seedy for his taste, but Caldo seemed to like the ales.

Caldo leaned closer. “I've been thinking, ever since Emilia left me. What  _do_ women want?”

Sasha gave a wry smile, and waited for Caldo to take a sip of his vile alcoholic concoction of the night. “Shirtless ghem-Lords and tentacle pornography, apparently.”

Caldo spat his drink out through his nose.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was bored, and decided to make a new chapter with suggestions from my lovely commenters worked in!  
> Also I accidentally plot. Whoops. In compensation of my sins, I promise a chapter 3.

Vfgbbekzh's feed

 

 **shirtlessghemlordoftheday** :

[image of a shirtless blond ghem-lord, looking alluring amidst a large collection of lit candles and red rose leaves]

22, Sigma Ceta, first published in _Aesthetically Pleasing Images for the Consumption of Women_

 

 **hello-soldier** :

Second chapter of the epic up! In this one, Cordelia has already conquered the heart (and dick) of Lord Vorkosigan with her superb skills with restraints. However, there is still the matter of a mutiny to take care of. Luckily, Barrayaran ships have lots of rope!

LINK → Captain Cordelia and the Perilous Planets / Writefiction.net

 

 **what-i-wrote** :

real people

LINK → BDSM for Beginners and Other Helpful Books

The Countess Vorkosigan has given the Imperial couple a number of intriguing Betan books. They set out to try the practices mentioned

 

 **vorboring-people** :

I ventured into the Cetagandan real people stuff on the Archive and it's all either rapefic set during the War or factually incorrect porn of Dag Benin. I am disappointed. *sighs*

(Really, half the fics have Benin being unmarried as a major plot point, whereas half a minute on the Imperial Encyclopedia Online would reveal that he's married to a scary blonde lady called Anya, who may or may not be a prole. Then again, the fics seem to have done all their research by watching those bizarre Betan pornos. They are … inaccurate, to say the least.)

 

 **impsex-official** :

Hello! I am a side blog for collecting all of the Archive stuff on ImpSec guys banging.

 

 **vorthalia-the-italic** :

@vorboring-people WHAT ARE YOUR FAVORITE KINKS I WANT TO WOO YOU WITH PORNOGRAPHY

 

 **vorboring-people** :

@vorthalia-the-italic I like breathplay, and power differentials, and restraints, and accurately done research. (You know Fellis' _All the Earths_? The book that was basically one long infodump on biology? I liked it! A lot!)

Stuff I don't like: orgies and threesomes (I find reading about them a bit confusing, and keep overthinking the logistics), heterosexual stuff (two men is nice, two women is nice, I have no idea how herms fit in), embarrassment (I get secondhand embarrassment like whoah)

 

 **vorthalia-the-italic** :

@vorboring-people … A Ferya breathplay captive!fic porn piece that starts with 3k of detailed description of how Barrayaran plant life reacted to the Cetagandan imports?

 

 **vorboring-people** :

@vorthalia-the-italic I would LOVE YOU FOREVER <3

 

 **the-emperor-has-a-nice-ass** :

[collage of close-ups on the Imperial behind]

Oh, Greggie <3

 

 **emperorshirtfree** :

[a photograph of the Emperor, shirtless, riding, that has obviously been formed by taking a photograph of a man riding shirtless and overlaying the Emperor's face on it]

 

 **feryarules** :

Warning for major character death

LINK → The Cycle of Victory / The Archive

Fer Kaiok has to prove his loyalty to his Haut masters. By killing Vortalon.

 

 **ferya-vortaiok** :

@feryarules NOOOOO vanya D: HOW COULD YOU KILL HIM????

 

 **vorboring-people** :

@feryarules I liked the poem cycle at the end, it was very convincingly Cetagandan!

 

 **vorthalia-the-italic** :

@feryarules :'( Poor Vanya

 

 **dagthecurious** :

guys isn't ghem-general benin very shippable? he's not married or anything, either

just think about him & vorkosigan's cat. in an orgy. with both empresses.

 

 **vorboring-people** :

Okay, here's the Ceta-centric piece I promised a while ago, now that no-one will notice it with all the deathfic wank:

LINK → The Red of Blood / The Archive

Fer Kaiok, surviving amidst his superiors. Coming up with excuses for why he gets captured so often. Trying not to know anything that would aid Vortalon. Trying to find out everything that could aid Vortalon. Being very confused by himself.

 

 **vortalon4ever** :

@feryarules I don't understand why everyone in the fandom is so obsessed with Ferya, but killing Vortalon was a dick move, yanno? (Yes, even the Xavya fen are obsessed with the Ferya 'ship. The hateboner is strong with those ones.)

Anyway, here's some fanart of Vortalon and his stunner: @vorthalia-the-italic

[image series of Vortalon kissing his stunner and then using it as a dildo]

 

 **impsex-official** :

By WatchingTheWatchers:

LINK → Change of Guard / The Archive

Captain Illyan is requested to pass some practical advice on to General Allegre. The desk inspires some nostalgia. And sex.

 

 **vorthalia-the-italic** :

@vortalon4ever FANART YAY! :)

 

 **impsec-official** :

@emperorshirtfree We have removed your “photograph”.

 

 **feryarules** :

Oh god I never expected for my fic to cause wank on the anon meme. Here, have a second chapter:

LINK → The Cycle of Victory / The Archive

Fer Kaiok has to prove his loyalty to his Haut masters. By killing Vortalon.

 

 **vorboring-people** :

@feryarules WHAT WHY HOW why is Vanya still alive??? I mean, the sex scene is nice, but ?????

 

 **vorthalia-the-italic** :

@feryarules I'm afraid that you'll forever be the subject of anon meme wank, especially with the 180 you pulled with chapter two. Enjoy your fame! (infamy?)

 

 **ferya-vortaiok** :

@feryarules THEY'RE TOGETHER AND MARRIED ON BETA YAY

 

 **deadchickens** :

where did this ferya wank come from and why has is taken over both anon memes

 

 **vorboring-people** :

I made some tea. Black with orange and vanilla flavoring, called “First Light of Dawn”.

[image of black ceramic teapot with black tea in it]

 

 **hello-soldier** :

In chapter three, Cordelia is new on Barrayar, trying to adjust to life as Lady Vorkosigan, wife of the Lord Regent. The Dowager Princess is mourning her husband, and the Count is somewhat baffled by his Betan daughter-in-law.

There is only one solution: a BDSM orgy!

LINK → Captain Cordelia and the Perilous Planets / Writefiction.net

 

 **vorthalia-the-italic** :

Had a long conversation w/ @vorboring-people with messaging, the result of which is this short:

LINK → It's Raining Ghem / The Archive

Five times that Fer Kaiok quite literally dropped in on Vanya Vortalon

 

 **vorboring-people** :

Okay, _The Red of Blood_ has decided to be part one of a trilogy that will be called “The Imperial Array”

 

 **deadchickens** :

I hate the flu

 

 **shirtlessghemlordoftheday** :

[image of dark-haired shirtless ghem-lord handcuffed to the wall, looking wrecked]

29, Eta Ceta, first published in _Gazette of Male Aesthetics_

 

 **dagthecurious** :

I wrote a thing

LINK → Thy Smol Barrayaran / Writefiction.net

During the Celestial Handmaiden's funeral, ghem-Colonel Benin meets an intriguing Barrayaran. Lemon. Please R&R

 

 **vorthalia-the-italic** :

@vorboring-people Would you like some consolation porn? I dug through writefiction.net and found this one. It features actual grammar! (Don't read the comments, it's full of teenage boys going all “OMG you wrote PORN with TWO MEN”.)

Summary: Vortalon captures Kaiok, after which his lines of communication are all shattered due to the extreme rain. They have to feed themselves. The sex comes along organically and is mainly vanilla. It's looooong, so you have multiple sex scenes for your perusal.

LINK → My Heart is a Fish, Hiding in the Watergrass / Writefiction.net

 

 **vorboring-people** :

@vorthalia-the-italic Thank you :3

 

 **hello-soldier** :

In chapter four, Vidal Vordarian starts his war. This is a Problem. Captain Cordelia decides to solve it with a BDSM orgy!

LINK → Captain Cordelia and the Perilous Planets / Writefiction.net

 

 **vorboring-people** :

Here's part two of The Imperial Array

LINK → The White of Bone / The Archive

Fer Kaiok, observing what his comrades are doing to the locals. Arguing morality with his fellow ghem-Lieutenants. Entertaining doubts.

 

 **what-i-wrote** :

real people

LINK → Loyalty / The Archive

Ezar did always have to go to the most bizarre lengths to claim Piotr's loyalty – from the Occupation-era Dendarii mountains as his apprentice, to the Imperial Residence as his liege

 

 **deadchickens** :

Why I Hate Vortalon Fandom

Please take your Ferya vs Xavya wank elsewhere. Both ships are dirtybadwrong by at least one metric, and the incessant ship wars are nasty. No, I don't care about canon evidence. I want you to TAKE IT OFF THE ANON MEMES. Make your own anon meme, idc. Or just don't wank. You're already segregated, why can't the Xavya fen stay on their IvanXav comm and the Ferya fen stay on Stumbl? Agh, I want to discuss shitposts and Winterfair letterwank.

 

 **impsex-official** :

By WatchingTheWatchers:

LINK → Loyalty / The Archive

Lieutenant Illyan has just returned from Illyrica, the only survivor of the memory chip implantation. Captain Negri must ensure his loyalty. Enter drugs, torture, and sex.

 

 **vorboring-people** :

I should sleep, but I have part three of my triptych half-done @vorthalia-the-italic halp

 

 **vorthalia-the-italic** :

@vorboring-people ((hugs)) write it!

 

 **shirtlessghemlordoftheday** :

[image of a shirtless pale ghem-lord with auburn hair lying on the forest floor]

26, Sigma Ceta, first published in _Aesthetics of Male Offspring_

 

 **vorboring-people** :

I FINISHED IT AAA now off to sleep

LINK → The Black of Justice / The Archive

Fer Kaiok observes one abuse too many, and cannot support the invading forces. How are murder and rape supposed to aid and civilize a long-lost planet? There is only the problem of convincing Lord Vortalon of his true intentions…

 

 **impsex-official** :

By WatchingTheWatchers:

LINK → Vorkosigan's Dog / The Archive

Aral Vorkosigan grabbed all the strings in Captain Illyan that Negri's death left hanging. Being puppeted by Vorkosigan is surprisingly nice – especially after some words of encouragement from his wife.

 

 

INTERNAL MEMO

 **From** : Lt Jean Vortala [assigned peruser of all fiction involving real ImpSec personnel]

 **To** : Cpt Leon Fossyf, Lt Aleksandr Felkin

 **Subject** : [URGENT] Potential security leak

Hello,

You have probably come across the username “WatchingTheWatchers” in my reports. Apart from a witty style and disturbingly accurate knowledge of human anatomy, the user in question includes alarmingly accurate anecdotes of ImpSec security procedures and the internal structure of ImpSec HQ.

 

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [Barrayaran Babbles](https://archiveofourown.org/works/5480897) by [Zoya1416](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Zoya1416/pseuds/Zoya1416)




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